A working theory of body dysmorphia

My experience through body dysmorphia

In three dances

Third: “Love is the dance of eternity”

In a lull of self-delusion
an idea
a seed
took hold

“My body must look the same
day to day
despite how I feel

so this distorsion
this self-betrayal
can be killed”


I made a fence, a shell
To give it warmth.
to hatch this egg.

I unfollowed and muted
thought and talked

I rallied support
from friends, husbands, lovers
even strangers

I drew 
from long conversations
and self-reflection
From games I played
and books I read

From dance and dreams
and LSD

I thought
about which things served me 
and how

About how I relate to others
and myself

About why 
I do what I do
say what I say

why I feel the way I feel

And the flower
the heart

the beating soul of my liberation

The miracle

over time
started taking form
until it was revealed


It was simple
and shimmering 

and obvious
and beautiful:


I am my body


Not a pilot of a meat bot
Not a ghost in the shell

My whole being
is here, in my body

I am my muscle memory
My microexpressions
The way I move and talk
My sadness
My joy

I am the warm feeling I get when I eat broth on a cold day
The tingle of someone’s fingers running through my forearms

I am the way my body moves to the music

My mind, my body, my soul, are one thing
I am all of it

And those who I love are also their bodies
their minds and hands and words
Their lips and grunts
Their warmth 

And our mouths, our hands
our eyes and ears and touch

connect us
We talk
because we’re here


I was thankful I could see
the world around me

Hear
music, voices

Smell, taste, touch

Think, laugh,
sleep, talk

dream

Fuck

I thanked my body
For each of these things

And I stopped training
until the mirror stopped frowning

Until whole weeks went by
without disagreeing with my reflection

It took time
and care

watering and pruning
but slowly it grew, 

in me,
the miracle.




As for the pump
it lives on, still narcotic

like candy
I enjoy it, but know
it doesn’t nurture

I’ll eat a bite
two times a week.
It is rich
and it is also, me.

And these days
I feel
almost always
I feel 
enough